Do you ever feel like you are drowning in your current circumstances? As if the weight of the daily torrent of needs around you, coupled with the constant lies of the enemy berating you and all your failures, have left you choking under the very pressure of life itself?
If this is you today, grab a coffee and cozy blanket and hunker down for the storm, you are in good company.
I often ask God when I am finally going to move beyond the constant feeling that I am failing and falling further and further behind in every way that I wish I were showing more signs of the fruits of sanctification. After all, I have been a wife for 9 years and a mom for 8. Shouldn't I be showing just a smidge more grace? An ounce more patience? A hair more selflessness? And surely a whole lot less feelings of defeat?
Lately I find myself feeling stuck in what feels like a repetitive Deja vu. Each day goes very much like the last. And while I thrive on routine and my precious lists, I am not enjoying the mounting fear and taunts of "not good enough" that accompany me through the day and well into the night.
Thoughts of: “What if I never grow up and out of old habits and ways of thinking?” “What if the fear never leaves?” “What if my kid’s poor behavior really does reflect perfectly where I lack as a mother?” “What if every day is boring and dreary?” “What if I never enjoy motherhood?” “And what will people think if I say that out loud?” What if. . . and the list goes on. At the root of it I know is a worry I don't want to address – “What if this is really as good as it gets?”
Long before I knew the acronym FOMO (fear of missing out), I was already living locked inside its grasp. And although no longer a reckless teen desperate for adventure, I can't seem to shake the feeling that stuck in this season of limbo I might somehow miss the train that takes me to all I was supposed to be. Left behind, tortured by the unsaid dreams and married to a life that constantly threatens to suck away my will to live.
Economy issues affecting our budget. Sickness crouching in the night. Children with minds and lacking manors of their own. A ministry to build. A husband to love. Daily responsibilities I never could have imagined. And every day feeling as if I am fading away behind it all. Just doing my best to survive while I fight the feelings of jealousy and bitterness that someone else's life seems so much easier than mine.
“Can't anyone see me here? Struggling? Fighting to breathe? Can't they see beyond the masked smile I wear to the weary underneath?” And my heart echoes again, "Is this really as good as it gets?"
If this is indeed as good as it gets, then what is the solution to finding joy here, even when I don't feel happy about the number of things on my plate to manage?
Happiness is as fleeting as an artistically painted Autumn sunset. Joy is a choice we make when circumstances go awry. But can I actually experience joy when I feel so much defeat?
I find the answer to that question in the one in whom true joy is found - Jesus.
If Jesus equals joy, then I am going to have to start looking for more Jesus in my day. Choosing to see the evidence of His hand and goodness in my life right next to the waves I have yet been able to walk on.
The truth is, I don't know if any of our circumstances will ever improve. I don't know what inevitable shoe might drop next. Or what heartbreaking, unthinkable event might turn our lives upside down. I don't know if the kids will ever sleep through the night. Or if we can trust we will have the energy to face tomorrow with a little bit more patience and grace. I don’t know if the health issue will be resolved. Or if the marriage will get better. But in the midst, we can know who holds all the pieces to our unfinished puzzles.
In light of the limitlessness of God, I begin to question, “Was it really ever meant to be this hard?”
If in Jesus we have all we need to do this life, then maybe the burden wasn't ever supposed to be this heavy. Maybe when Jesus said we wouldn't walk alone, He meant it? Maybe it's us that are missing Him, not Him us? Maybe He has been here all along and the lies of scarcity from the enemy we have believed have swallowed up our joy and a little bit of us too? And so maybe, just maybe, even when we don't feel like we have the energy or the gumption to stand up and face another round against the evil one, we stand up anyways and choose to lean on the One who is already holding on to us. The One who promises to never let go.
Maybe in every failure instead of robotically accepting the enemy’s cloak of defeat, we choose instead to thank God for His unlimited supply of grace.
Maybe in every temptation to fear we are missing out on the elusive and glamorous life of another, we reject the lie that we won't ever be or have enough and instead count each and every blessing and thank the Lord that He has always supplied every one of our needs. And hold on to the belief that He always will.
Maybe in the darkness of night when the house is still and the worry starts to creep in, or the moment the child wakes, or you are interrupted by the 5th tantrum today and all you want to do is fall into a puddle of tears and bury your face into the overflowing basket of laundry because it's all just too much! We turn and bury our face into the one who longs to wipe away every tear. Who cries with us no matter how big or small the circumstances. Because He truly does care about each of us uniquely where He has placed us.
What if this IS as good as it gets. But that actually is a good thing. Because the good found here in the bleak nights and draining days means we must have found Jesus in the midst of it. And in Jesus, is all the strength, peace, acceptance, hope and joy we need for every moment of this fleeting life before eternity.
Jesus IS as good as it gets.
So, let’s find Him in the mundane and the messy. He is there. Waiting for us to believe that finding Him means we will have found all we need to survive every storm in this life and never lose our joy.
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forever more. Psalm 16:11
Emily, your gift from God is remarkable!