I used to think I knew what my testimony was.
It was all about how God took a mess and made it not so messy so I could learn to live beloved and sing about His miracles. It was all about the resolution of my problem so that then I could pour out praise about how He heals and restores and I could lift up a hearty hallelujah because of His goodness in fixing everything just right, right now.
And then... You know... The other shoe drops. The thing you never thought would happen to you, because of all your own worked out "holiness", happens and flips everything on its head. And I started to doubt.
The things I did before didn't work. My prayers seemed to land in empty spaces. The usual spiritual formulas didn't add up. And it didn't matter how much "truth" I heard or read, nothing seems to touch the ache inside. So I went searching for answers.
I wish I could tell you that in the midst of this particular heartbreak and struggle I found all the solutions to my problems and learned to master a bunch of Christ-like characteristics and as a result I have blossomed into a better version of myself with deeper faith and even more spiritual charisma.
Newsflash, I didn't.
I tried and failed to grasp the banner of hope and praise and run with it.
But I tripped and fell and became a tangled mess of fear and anger. I didn't learn to dance in the rain. Mostly, I've sat and mourned in the mud. I challenged God and I questioned His character. I wrestled with Him - a lot.
And amidst all the struggling back and forth between my will and His, I came to realize that this battle was not going to be won in the way I was used to. No, this time God wasn't going to tie it in a pretty bow and hand it back to me so I could then prance around in victory with my usual curated vulnerability that had become my crown.
He had a different plan this time.
I wish I could say I learned all the things well and moved on and now write to you with more wisdom from a place where I have grown stronger and better and more like Jesus. Better able to handle conflict and the harsh realities of life. Better prepared for criticism and people not liking me. Learned how to wait patiently and praise in the storm. But I didn't.
I didn't learn how to be more witty in the face of evil. I didn't grasp how to dance better with boundaries. Nor did I get to taste how good justification is as I see my enemies brought to their knees.
I certainly didn't learn all the things I expected.
No, instead I learned how incredibly prideful I am.
I learned how little I know.
How broken and ugly my heart is.
How selfish and childish I can be.
I learned my heart has hate that doesn't reflect Jesus.
I am spiteful and careless with others hearts.
I learned I am so much like Isaiah, "an unclean man with unclean lips", and desperate before my Father for mercy and grace, oh what a wretch I am.
I learned my ego is big and my self-righteousness out of control.
I realized how horribly entitled I am.
I learned I don't deserve any amount of the grace God has given me in this process as I've wrestled and failed and gossiped in the name of "needing prayer" all the while sinning in my anger and hurt with looking for justification from man for my life choices.
But on my knees, humbled by the absolute depravity of my ugly heart, I learned the pain of forgiving when a sorry was never asked because God has forgiven me for all this even when I didn't ask.
I learned the ache of extending compassion not because I wanted to, but because I seek compassion too and it's given to me when I least deserve it.
I learned what the heartbreak feels like to hurt for those who have hurt me because I know they hurt too.
And I was reminded over and over when I ran to God to tell Him what they did and what He should do about it, that they don't know what they do and I am humbled once more.
No matter how many times I went before the Father to demand justice, an explanation, something! To tell Him just how wrong and cruel they had been, perhaps, even how wrong and cruel He had been to let me suffer this way, every time He would simply show me how much they are hurting and how much they need grace - just like me.
What I found in the light of His presence was yes, my foolishness, but also His immense love that didn't shame me or reject me for wondering and demanding, but covered me with truth and comfort, lighting a path home.
I have learned that I was waiting for everything to be put back together so then I could cry uncle and surrender and throw my hands up in praise. But I see now that if I wait for the big finale and the credits to role (with an applause at my vindication and what a glorious life I have lived so "perfectly" in the face of hardship) to find healing, justice and peace, I may be waiting forever and breaking my own heart. I am learning that what I seek is actually already here, because all that I want - unconditional love, security, peace, justice, redemption, joy, rest - is found in my Savior and His nail scarred hands. It won't be in the resolution of life's problems and pains, or the avoidance of scary and hard things, or the answers to all my questions.
No, my life is not tied up and put together and no longer messy. I don't write from the "other-side". I've come to terms with the fact that I am not being asked to micromanage how I am perceived as I walk the rest of this road until Heaven. I've not been tasked with manipulating and controlling people and circumstances to prevent more heartache from happening, or making the outcome be in my favor.
You see, I was so sure life would be one way. And every time something went not according to my plan, I would try to wrap it up and fix it, only to have it break into smaller pieces in my hand. I felt confused and alone. But what I see now, through the perspective of His love, is that the whole time, for my whole life, I was being held in His hands and He was catching all the shards of a broken girls heart so He could put it back together piece by piece in His time. He is not finished yet, I am not finished yet, and I am learning to be okay with that.
If I were to sum it all up for you, what I have learned is I need Jesus, deeply need Jesus! Because I am a sinner in need of His grace. And every time I try to point my finger He gently turns it back to me and reminds me of His nail scarred hands, wounded for me.
And through this grueling process of letting go of my will for His will, I have learned my testimony isn't my prayers getting answered my way and life being peaceful and fair. But simply that He hears and He is working. That He takes time to bend an ear to pride filled sinner like me, oh how He loves me. My testimony isn't that I asked for vindication and healing and He gave it to me. My testimony is not that God changed them and made everything okay again so now I can be okay.
No, despite not changing anything in my circumstances around me, He still managed to change everything. I went looking for answers to fight my way out and prove my worth and see them judged, but instead God broke my heart for what breaks His. With His love He humbled me. I am not the same woman who walked into this crucible thinking I knew so much and had all the answers. I realize now how little I know and how unfathomably Holy He is.
Now my testimony is simply this: I went looking for God to right wrongs, resolve my problems - to change them. But that was never the point.
Instead, God changed me.
Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. Those who desert him will perish, for you destroy those who abandon you. But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do. Psalms 73:21-28 NLT
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