Planted

I've never really been a wild-eyed dreamer. Determined and independent yes, but as a child I never spent my days dreaming of becoming a big-name entrepreneur or having extra letters after my name. Nope, I had one pursuit. Mommy! Get the man, get married and make those babies. That was my only goal and I frittered away life to get it.

Despite this, in his abundance of grace, God gave me everything I wanted and more. And yet, I wasn't complete, or happy. It's taken years to unearth the roots of disappointment weaved in with unmet expectations. But slowly, as God has dug up old earth and replanted truth, I have been given a new perspective. One that has allowed for my heart to open to dreaming again. While confident that I am fully known and loved just as I am, I began to hope that maybe there could be more for me than just mama.

And so, once again, I threw myself into the pursuit of ministry, calling and making a name for myself. I was so sure how God would want to use me. I wrote the outline and goals and I boldly rushed ahead without a second thought to the still small voice in my heart. Surely my story, my gifts, would not go to waste here in this season? But over and over again one door closed after another. I became confused and dejected. I had been so so sure of what God wanted for me. Or had it been what I assumed God wanted for me?

Here is where I so often trip up. Like Eve in the garden, I assume what God said and fill in the blanks with what works best for me. Running full on into whatever thing I see next that just might fit, only to end up burnt out and disappointed. So often when I have looked at the other women around me, comparing my lack of title to their abundant success, I can't help but feel like I missed the train. They are all off into the next big and shiny season and all the glory that comes with it. And I am still standing on the platform wondering where I went wrong.

Recently as I was contemplating these longings, I felt God speak this gentle message to my weary and disheartened soul.

"Maybe you didn't miss the train. Maybe I left you at the station for a reason."

I let that thought wash over all the unmet longings of my heart. All the seemingly failed attempts at belonging and finding purpose. As I began to sift my life though this truth, I began to see all the obvious needs around me that I had brushed aside as not important enough to matter. When in actuality, they were the ONLY things that mattered. The main being, my kids. The harvest is ready but the workers are few, that was evident. But could I surrender my hopes and dreams for what I knew God was calling my heart to do?

When I began to dream beyond mommy life, I bought into the assumption my ministry and purpose would have nothing to do with my kids. That it would be a much more glamorous endeavor in a season not restrained by incessant needs of little ones. I had searched for all the right jobs and ministries that I thought my talents and gifts would fit best. After all, my kids are young, what good does my story do them now? I brushed off many similar thoughts with the same reasoning. Believing if I can't encourage my kids the way I do my girlfriends or preach to them like I would a crowd or lead them in worship songs beyond their level of understanding, this obviously couldn't be the calling on my life. And it's definitely not a place I would use my organizational and planning skills to lead those around me to their greatest success. Keeping the checkbook and calendar for our home became not good enough.

With every assumption I allowed the evil one to discredit where God has placed me and any good I could possibly do in the season I am in. Discontentment with the here and now quickly followed. And then anger and jealousy that I was stuck in this mundane as I watched others get their "lucky break".

Satan's lies are so slippery, if we are not careful, we fall right into his trap of deception and death and call it truth and life.

As God shut one door after another, I continued to feel this pull on my heart towards my home and my boys. I continued to push it down as I busied myself with "more important" things. Until there were none left. Finally, I threw my hands up and quieted my heart long enough to listen to what God was trying to saying. I surrendered my desires to see the road map and plan, to trust what step he was telling me to take next, even if there was no promise of human glory in it.

And as I prayed, once again all God gave me was, "home". As I opened my heart to where God was leading me, I was able to shift my perspective to see that I was indeed not left behind, but instead planted in this exact season, with these two boys to do exactly the calling God has on my life. Encourage, sing, write, plan, organize, pray and using all the above to boldly partner with God to lead these men to his Son Jesus.

As I began to exchange my desire for purpose and importance for a partnership with my Savior, the peace and clarity began to take over. I began to see the desperate need for encouragement in my home. For word written on a page that would bring a smile to a little boy’s heart. For songs and dance to bring giggles to another. For big prayers, declaring freedom from oppression in my home that had gone on for far too long. For leadership that no longer required recognition but instead a heart that exemplified humility as I direct my boys to their only source of hope and strength, teaching them all the truth God had been teaching me as he has rewritten my story.

As I watched God use my surrendered soil to make big dents for the Kingdom in my home, I became more and more sure that I had been placed here for exactly this time and place. Because it has been in my deepest moments of desperation, as I wrestle through the ups and downs of motherhood, that I realize my desperate need for Jesus. And as much as this season of motherhood is about me teaching and leading my boys to a successful life, it has been equally as much about God teaching and leading me to his heart and his abundance of love. Preparing me to lead these boys to his heart. Pruning me to be more like him, strengthening my character and deepening my roots in faith as he positions me for whatever comes next.

And I do still believe there will be a next. Someday it will be my turn to jump the train and speed off to an exciting tomorrow. But today, today I confidently turn away from the train, pick up my bag and with the biggest smile and the most peace, I make my way home. Knowing I am exactly where I am supposed to be, to leave the most lasting impact for Jesus. And if leaving an imprint of him on my boys is all I ever do; I am confident that it will be enough, and it will leave a lasting change for eternity.

We may never see the true impact we leave on this earth. But, I can assure you, wherever you are, equipped with a heart tender to Jesus' calling, you are moving mountains for the next generation so that they can experience freedom. A freedom that enables them to change the world. Every bottle washed, every late night snuggle and song, every back breaking day on the job, every long phone call with a friend in need, every prayer you pray, every smile you give a stranger, every time you kept fighting the enemy when you wanted to give up; yes, even in this, you my friend, you have done more than many will do in a life time of degrees and achievements.

You have not missed out, are not left behind and are not so alone as you think. YOU have been planted for a PURPOSE in this season! Do not lose heart! Never give up! God is asking you to partner with him where you are today. Will you accept the invitation?

Store up for yourself treasures in heaven. Where moth and rust can not destroy and where thieves can not break in and steal. For wherever your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:20-21