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The Breaking

Updated: May 15

The past few years I have felt beat down. Like, REALLY beat down. So much so I wasn't sure I could keep going. Inevitably the sun began to shine once more and I almost stopped looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then, just as I thought I had finally found firm footing again, another wave of the unexpected grabbed me by the ankles and pulled me under. As the waves of life continued to throw me around like a rag doll, I began to question God's sovereignty over my life. I began to wonder if He really was as loving as He claimed to be. Or was He just intent on ripping me apart and leaving me for dead?

As I have cried out again and again for answers, this is what my good, good Heavenly Father showed me. He revealed to me this dark valley wasn't for my destruction, but rather for my restoration.

God showed me that this tearing down of my strength, my reactions, my security, and the peeling back of my fears and triggers, wasn't a cruel act to leave me naked and ashamed. Rather it was an intimate gesture of a loving Creator, a Master artist who saw rough patches and cracks that desperately needed attending. So He went to work on all my vulnerable places. Chiseling away and adding back in what was missing so as to strengthen the broken down places so that I can withstand what He has for me next. He sees what is coming and so in an act of love He began a work of remodeling my life so that I could be strong enough for whatever storm comes next.

For me to be angry at this act of surgical precision, would be like me being angry at the doctor that cut open my stomach to repair an umbilical hernia. I remember waking up from the surgery in the greatest physical pain of my life. But what I didn't do was start screaming at the doctors and nurses for causing this pain. No, instead I was grateful for the work they had done and the health care that provided the resources for me to get this procedure before a greater issue resulted that would have really set me on my back for more than a few weeks. It can be so easy for us to shake our fist at God for cutting away what is not needed in our life. Yet, we fail to acknowledge He is the greatest physician, and healer there ever has been. Just like the surgeon was able to note that I needed a hernia repair, and soon, or the small discomfort I was experiencing would become a far greater complication and pain. So God sees the small irritations brewing in our life that will soon become a deep ache if not addressed, and if not addressed it will hold us back from propelling us into the next season He has for us.

You see, we need the seasons of renovation and painful transformation if we want to go where He leads - to the places and people He put us on this planet to reach. We need this cracking and breaking down. God revealing what still needs attending to is not to shame us, but to rebuild us, heal us, and make us stronger than we ever knew was possible. It would be cruel for Him to send our ship into the storm with a weak mast or hull. That WOULD be a merciless God. But we get the choice to decide if this crushing season is an act of a mean and harsh God, or a loving Savior who is pointing out the vulnerable spots in our lives as He willingly walks beside us as He mends and heals and restores in only the way a loving Creator can do with His creation.

In all this heart reconstruction I have felt so hopeless and lost. I have said over and over, "I'm losing myself. What if I never get myself back?"

But what if that's the point? What if just like the hernia that I could handle in one season but would not have benefited me in the next (in fact it would have surely held me back from doing the things I needed to do) the same is true in my spiritual life? What if what served me in the last season spiritually, no longer benefits me for this moment in time, much less the next? But will I surrender and let go, free fall into the remaking even when I don't get to see the blueprint? Can I trust the Master architect of my life enough to lay out humbly on the altar and allow Him to cut away what is not needed?

In all the uneasy change and desperation for different and safe, this one thing I do know: The same God who re-maid my dust before, is the same one sifting me now. So with tears in my eyes, and an aching soul, I throw up my hands and declare I have witnessed His faithfulness before and I praise because I know I will see it again -"Have your way Lord so I am ready for what you have for me next. I trust you, in the breaking and the remaking".

You can trust Him too, friend. The ache won't last forever. It's actually working in you something that far outweighs what you experience here and now. He is doing a good work in you. Step back and look before you swat His hand away, it's not a hand of punishment, but love. A hand working tirelessly to make you stronger and more prepared for what comes next - for your good and His glory.

Love, E

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.

Romans 8:18 NLT

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