When Life Gives You Lemons... Make Faith.

I've been looking forward to our family vacation for weeks. It was our first real family vacation just the four of us in our whole twelve years as a family. Beyond excited was an understatement. I had dreamed of showing my family the ocean, some for the first time, and sharing with them special memories from some of my favorite places in the world. Even in all this anticipation I had set my mind to not expect anything crazy. Just some sun and freedom from the everyday pressures of life. Being a mom for over a decade teaches you to keep your expectations low for trips and basically life in general. I knew better than to hope to sleep in, or have no whiny kids. 

But what I didn't prepare for was the car breaking down an hour from our destination, giving us a 5-hour delay in making it to our Airbnb. What I didn't expect was that once we got there, haggard and exhausted, that the place would be dirty and only have four washcloths and no fresh water. Every time I tried to put a smile on, thank the Lord for His provisions in the midst—a friend 40 minutes away to provide shelter when our car broke, a wild ride in the cab of a tow truck that made my boys smile, or the promise of four sunny days with perfect weather—something else went wrong. Over and over I fixed my face, my heart, and intentions to rebuke the enemy and press on, only to end up in an autoimmune flare and on the couch by day two, and then a head cold that left me in bed while my family went off to play they remainder of the trip. My heart wasn't prepared to cancel the date night we had planned because my son got sick too. I wasn't ready for the extra expenses from a car rental and broken vehicle we hadn't budgeted for while trying to be cautious and responsible with our money this trip. 

As I sit here with tears in my eyes, reflecting on the past few days and I wrestling through the why, I realize it's the same questions running through my mind that I've been asking God the last two years... 

God, if you are good, if I am your faithful servant, why are you allowing this? 

Did I miss something? Did I sin and deserve this?

Did I not listen? Was it because I didn't pray? 

Is this the enemy? Or is this cruelty? 

Is it always going to be this way? 

I can't seem to wrap my mind around how things could go so terribly wrong! We needed this trip! We really needed this trip! And even though I am trying to be grateful for the time with my family, and getting to see an amazing sunset and hear my favorite people laugh, deep belly laugh, I can't help but be sad too. I don't think it was meant to be this way. And I had really hoped for so much more. A reset for our hearts and minds. After all, I can do the heavy at home just fine. I didn't need to bring it here. 

The truth is I've been really mad at God because I don't like the things that have happened the last two years; this trip is just the cherry on top. I believed that if He was good, things would be different. My husband would not have been sexually abused as a child. I wouldn't have had to wait ten years into our marriage to be blindsided by that revelation. God would have made me stronger to be able to bear up under the weight of this new reality I never wanted. He wouldn't have allowed the response to this devastating news from those we trusted the most with our hearts to be so soul-crushing and utterly disappointing. We wouldn't have had to leave relationships and places we had built our lives around that subsequently left deep wounds where roots of joy and happy memories once grew. I wouldn't have suffered in brutal silence day after day. I wouldn't have seen so much pain around me and in me, making me doubt my very existence and my faith. If God was good, I wouldn't still be standing here holding the shards of my life in my hands, weeping and asking Him why, only to be answered with silence.

No, none of it would have been this way! If God was good He would snap His fingers and take it all back, every single part I hated so much!

But what God so gently revealed to my heart was that my version of goodness is tainted by the brokenness of this world. So basically, when standing here shaking my fist at Heaven saying, "I'll be damned if I accept this reality you have given me!". What I am actually demanding is for God to change who He is, perfect and holy and good, to accommodate my broken and sin-scarred version of reality.

When the truth is I don't know everything. I don't know what is best. I can't equally balance justice, humility, and love. I don't see the beginning from the end. But He does. So if I actually want anything "good" well, then I have to trust and believe He is working on something I can't see in the midst of so much chaos and pain. Maybe I won't see it till Heaven, maybe it's not something I can understand with this broken, earthly mind and heart. Maybe I won't be able to make sense of it here and now because I wasn't meant for the here and now. Maybe some things are just bad, and yucky, and suck, and there is no greater, hidden agenda for me to figure out other than we live in a sin-soaked world where sinful people make sinful choices, including me.  

But perhaps I can still believe there are miracles in all this messy existence called life. And if I haven't seen the miracle yet, it doesn't mean God has forgotten me or will not show up, it just means He isn't done working yet. Maybe I am still in the middle of the miracle I am praying for. But I will only see the miracle through God's perspective not my own. By me being willing to let go of the version of my life I expected, hoped for, and dreamed of. I will have to surrender to His will for my life, not mine. 

This perspective is helping a little these days. It doesn't immediately fix it all; I'm honestly kind of over the Jesus sprinkles and cliché quotes, but it helps. It helps me today to sit here, shed a few tears, and pull closer to Jesus. 

Because when the money is gone, the kids grow up and make their own lives, the friendships fade, the vacations are disastrous and life continues on this tumultuous spiral that is often so unbearably painful—He is all I have got left. 

Maybe life isn't as complicated as we make it. Maybe it's just hard.

But He is still good. 

Love, E