So often, like Eve, I am tempted to question, "Did He really say?" And "Is He still good and with my best in mind?"
Doubt settles in and my thoughts become a torrent.
Maybe I do know better I muse, and I find myself swept in a current.
A current of questions - if only I could figure it all out, grasp all the knowledge, then I would be settled.
I hear my Father's gentle whisper, "Come take a walk with me, with me it's better."
For months He invites me and for months I reject His call.
"Why would I trust you? You have let me down! You let me fall!"
Just as gently He returns, "Come walk with me."
But still I go my own way, I stumble and cry out.
To my rescue He comes. He always comes. But I push Him away. Stubborn. Cold. So sure I can do this on my own.
Still He stands, arms waiting for my hands, "Daughter, come walk with me."
I turn away. I pound on the door. I punch in the code, a code I have used before. The red error screams Rejection! - I fall to my knees, desperate and dejected.
How could the answer be so simple?
This isn't my door anymore - I only need turn and surrender.
I thought surrender would be easier by now, sweeter and come more naturally.
Turns out it's painful - this dying to me and the ways I want to make and force and prove my way.
So I begin to acknowledge my pride, my entitlement and find underneath is a desire to control and hold all the knowledge in my hands. Yes, just like Eve I want to be God because maybe just then, I won't ever have to hurt again.
But the beauty of His invitation are arms to rest, from wrestling and fighting and always trying to do my best.
It's home, and it's safe and it's finding a friend.
The tears come easy these days and my heart starts to ache.
"Why are you crying?" Comes the voice in the garden? I look up and see my Father's not hardened, to my grief or my pain or my pride and regret.
I lift my tear filled eyes and humbly whisper, "Okay I am ready, I finally remember. You are the only good and having my way never ends in hope, but dismay. I surrender my wants, my heart and my hands. Oh please use me again."
He smiles, He always smiles. And He holds me close.
"Child I love you, I am not ever going to leave. I died for you. You just need to believe. So let's go take a walk, so you can remember I am here and I am He and with me surrender can be sweet."
So we walk and we talk and my tears finally stop.
I wonder why it took me so long to respond to a love so pure.
And I wonder why does my heart stir with anger so often instead of believing what He knows is enough and His way is the cure.
For all my questions, they don't need an answer, I just needed Him.
Turns out the one thing I searched for wasn't in making it all right, right now, but to simply trust and surrender.
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